127 ways to tell that your meal at a restaurant is going to be abysmal.
Exactly one week ago, I posted a status mentioning “The 127th way to tell if your restaurant is going to be abysmal”, prompting my friends to ask “What are the other 126 reasons?” So, suffice to say, challenge accepted. After a week where I balanced debate, life, cookies and college applications, I have 127 ways to tell if your meal at a restaurant is going to be abysmal.
Now, if my status just said “The 22nd way to tell if your restaurant is going to be abysmal”, my job would have been a lot easier. “But the future isn’t for the faint of heart”, to quote Ronald Reagan, so with that said, I present to you my 127 reasons (Almost all based off of real experiences from my life or the lives of my friends and family):
1. If the word “Buffet” is even near the restaurant’s logo.
2. If the bacon on your salad can be ethically consumed by a Rabbi.
3. If Diet Pepsi is on the menu.
4. I repeat, if Diet Pepsi is on the menu.
5. If your food moves on your plate by itself.
6. If instead of reading a menu, you merely point to pictures of what you want to eat.
7. If when you ask your server “What would they recommend”, they fail to give you an answer.
8. If there’s more smoke coming from the kitchen than from the “Smoking section” of a Las Vegas eatery.
9. If you have to see golden arches before ordering your meal.
10. If a clown with a bad commercial writer designs your entrée.
11. If you see a partially erased “D” or “F” on their FDA report.
12. If your tie is cut upon entering the restaurant.
13. If Baked Potato Toppings bars are involved.
14. If you pick out your steak on a meat trolley.
15. If your blue cheese dressing is in fact…deep cobalt blue (I may be looking at Wyoming right now).
16. If your Subway deli worker says that they can’t put lettuce on your sandwich because the lettuce truck isn’t due for another week.
17. If your Subway Deli Worker puts lettuce on your sandwich while the lettuce truck isn’t due for another week.
18. If they serve you a soda other than root beer or coke that your grandparents remember drinking as kids.
19. If your glass of milk looks more like chunky egg nog (Kansas…I shall never forgive you).
20. If the waitress cries after you ask for a menu (That was definitely an awkward evening, thank you very much, Hawaii).
21. If upon entering the restaurant, the entire establishment stares at you while a waitress mutters “new folk”. (Yup, Super Burger, sometimes it’s not nice to be in a place where “everybody knows your name”)
22. If, while eating a hamburger, the chef’s voice comes from a secret window behind you asking “how ‘ya like your burger?” (Super Burger…you have no end to your awkwardness).
23. If your sandwich toppings come in plastic pill containers in front of you on a counter (Super Burger…you haunt me).
24. If Burgers, chilli dogs, tacos, gyros, churros, smoothies, shakes and breakfast items are all on the same menu.
25. If you know more about the restaurant’s menu and recipes than the chefs themselves.
26. If at an Italian restaurant, upon greeting the waiter in Italian, he responds with “Hola”.
27. If your meal is named after a President who served after Polk and before Lincoln.
28. If, at any point in his life, Hitler ordered the same exact meal.
29. If you taste ice in the middle of your block of lasagna.
30. If your lasagna is served in perfect blocks.
31. If you’re even ordering lasagna at an American restaurant.
32. If the words “fried” and “opossum” ever appear together on the menu.
33. Frankly, if the word “opossum” ever appears on the menu.
34. If your waiter gives you an unwanted neck rub. (Really weird Chillis, really weird…)
35. If you wanted that unwanted neck rub.
36. If the number of peanut shells on the floor are below 100 and above 10.
37. If you’re able to go to an all you can eat buffet and get married for the same low price of 8.95…actually, for any price, really, if buffets are involved. (Only in Nevada…)
38. If the word “mystery” has any place in your entrée.
39. If you can’t tell if your hamburger patty is actually a veggie patty.
40. If you even ordered a veggie patty.
41. If your sliders live up to their name. (Atlanta…)
42. If your burrito is covered in what can best be described as …pasta sauce with a troubled past (Wahoo’s, you are a scourge to the Hispanic community).
43. If your eatery has the word “Chubby”, “Jumbo” or “Fat” in its title.
44. If their entry way has a plaque on the wall advertising that it has “The best thousand island dressing in town”.
45. If upon your ordering of a sandwich, the deli worker asks “Do I really have to?”
46. If your waiter refuses to speak to women at the table.
47. If your bread for your sandwich can substitute as a grease sponge.
48. If a combination of a poorly made chili omelet and a nauseous stomach results in the redecoration of the entryway.
49. If your nachos are fuzzy. (La Fogata…Spanish for moldy hell)
50. If your sandwich maker is astonished when you ask if your sandwich contains anything besides meat.
51. If upon asking for a substitution, your waiter replies “Fine, you can have it that way, but it won’t be any good”.
52. If the restaurant is home to dogs…whether they be on or off the menu.
53. If the most interesting part of the meal is overhearing the restaurant owner and her husband fight.
54. If the most entertaining aspect of the meal was waiting in an hour long line in the middle of Los Angeles.
55. If the meal comes with a toy.
56. If every menu item is served in a mug…including the steak.
57. If they use doughnuts for their hamburger buns (Colorado…)
58. If your restaurant could’ve been one of the hideouts for Osama Bin Laden.
59. If upon asking your waiter for a coke, he suddenly believes you found out that their restaurant is just a front.
60. If your waitress refers to their “Thousand Island” as “Three Mile Island” dressing.
61. If the food is served in a troth of any kind.
62. If they clang bells or cymbals upon the completion of your meal.
63. If upon completing your meal, you’re given a free pig mask to take home (I’ll try and block that memory…)
64. If the only sound you hear from the kitchen is the humming and chiming of microwaves.
65. If the number of animal heads on walls exceed three.
66. If an animal head on the wall mechanically talks to you during your meal (Perhaps that’s why Famous Dave is so famous…)
67. If the best part of the restaurant is the wallpaper.
68. If the waitress warns you from ordering the chef’s special because the chef is in one of his “moods”.
69. If they mistakenly turn your “Happy Face” chocolate pancakes into a frown.
70. If you don’t want to be a fly on a wall because it’s too crowded (Sebastopol…you never cease to disgust me with your eateries)
71. If the Mariachi band is secretly insulting you in Spanish. (El Torito…)
72. If your porchetta sandwich turns out to be pig head. (It was a strange day in San Francisco)
73. If upon singing a Christmas carol a few days after Christmas, the waiter yells at you saying “Christmas is over in this establishment”.
74. If crab cake is on the dessert menu.
75. If your waiter believes in the “Five second rule”.
76. If the best part of your meal is the paper crown.
77. If your waiter asks for his tip in advance.
78. If your entrée is named after an obscure Eastern European dictator.
79. If they replace every reference to France on their menu, ranging from “freedom fries” to “liberty toast” to “American baguette”.
80. If “No shirt, no shoes, no service” is a law in name only.
81. If your Italian restaurant’s way of showing its menu’s authenticity is by adding an “o” to the end of all their sentences.
82. If your taco truck is a hearse by night.
83. If Llama meat is on the menu.
84. I repeat, Llama meat must not be on the menu. I even feel like I’ve committed evil by just suggesting this lamentable (llamentable) atrocity. Same goes for sea otters. And polar bears. And kittens.
85. If you see a waiter using a spatula to swat flies.
86. If their bar serves anything remotely similar to salad.
87. If your waiter starts telling you about his recent bout with pink eye.
88. If half the menu is dedicated to dining choices for your canine companion.
89. If there’s a longer wait for the vending machine outside than there is for a table in the restaurant.
90. If your taqueria’s way of being festive is constantly playing “Feliz Navidad” for the month of December.
91. If you’re ordering seafood in any state where wagon trains and settlers once passed through.
92. If you have to walk through a metal detector in order to be seated.
93. When they serve French fries with your burrito.
94. If your waiter takes your order with a bad Marlon Brando impersonation. (Ironically, the restaurant shut down a month later)
95. If you have to tip the waiter for him not to sing.
96. If your waiter completely ruined any sense of trust you had in people by telling you that the restaurant served diet coke only for you to receive diet pepsi.
97. If the queso on your nachos is the same color of a construction vest (Nebraska, you shouldn’t even be allowed to make Mexican food, matter of fact, let’s be safe: Don’t even get near a kitchen).
98. If your prime rib can neither be considered a rib or prime.
99. If you hear the cries of dying animals coming from the kitchen.
100. If your hot fudge sundae turns into a milkshake somewhere between the kitchen and your table.
101. If the crunchy object in your rattlesnake sausage can be best described as scales.
102. If you’re going to a house of pancakes or waffles.
103. If bibs are compulsory.
104. If your eatery has ever been featured on “Restaurant makeover” or “restaurant impossible”.
105. If can openers are the most commonly used utensil in the kitchen.
106. If at a gourmet crab cook-off, the table next to you is full of middle aged men making their crab shells talk.
107. If there’s a whole section on the menu devoted to cereal.
108. If vegetables are as rare as unicorns in the inner city. (Note: In the inner city, not in a cave in North Korea)
109. If they host their town’s annual butter sculpting contest.
110. If your food passes by your plate on a conveyor belt.
111. If the little creamers are looking especially appetizing.
112. If you’re 30,000 feet off the ground.
113. If fish is served in stick form.
114. If you’re the only one in the place who didn’t park a Harley before walking in.
115. If the restaurant includes a shower for your convenience.
116. If there’s a gun rack next to the coat rack in the entry way.
117. If the steak used to be the restaurant owner’s daughter’s pet.
118. If the restaurant’s take on fusion cuisine is “Scandinavian-Polynesian”.
119. If anything can be deep fried for 50 cents extra.
120. If their meat quality turns you into a vegetarian.
121. If your burger joint has any references to monarchies in its title.
122. If your eatery is the secret meeting place for West Virginia white pride.
123. If your fortune cookie gives you an omen of doom.
124. If there are more grammatical errors on their menu than in a Scorsese script.
125. If the packet of hot sauce is the best part of the meal.
126. I repeat, if they do not have Diet Coke on the menu.
127. If you overhear a chef planning on bringing food from McDonalds for the entire kitchen staff for dinner.